I can't speak about anyone else's experience in fatherhood. So, I will share a little bit about mine. I remember being so excited when my girlfriend who now is my wife shared the news of our pregnancy. It was a beautiful experience from the time she shared the news up to the day her water broke at my companies holiday party.
The best teacher is experience and until you have the experience you are stuck with theory. Let's just say theory was put to the test right away. That is when I realized that the only parenting book that matters is the experiences I had as a child. I was one that said the same thing each and everyone of us said "When I am a parent I am going to do things differently," or "I am never going to be like my parents."
When remembering my childhood this was the time of my life that was pure and full of the connection needed to understand and know I was loved. It wouldn't be until later in life and some tragedy in the family that I would question the love that was available for me as a child. I say this to say that the beginning of all new journey's are tough, at times it takes everything to calm oneself and realize that I am trying to make something happen with very little experience .So the play book I always fall back to is leaning on my parents. I am struck by a very specific time when my oldest was having difficulties, I called my mother who reminded me of the saint like patience's you must have when dealing with children.
Shit I didn't figure how to truly deal with life until my late 20's. So I remind myself that I am not raising children I am raising future adults that have time to learn the values I feel are important to be part of the solution in society. I am writing this at a time where we as a family are in a new transition, just a couple months away from moving from everything they once knew. As I follow a plan I believe will give my children the life they deserve.
I still have nights that I question if I am doing my best for them. In these moments I hold onto a message that I heard in a community during my healing process. That message was to be an example of all things I have went through both good and bad. Also it is important for me to understand that I know everything they have been through and I still couldn't tell you how they experienced each of these moments. Unless I am having honest conversations with them I will never know their experience. It is never to early to create a dialogue.